Ninja Tips for Healthy Living

Thanks to Daniel for some Ninja Tips for Healthy Living:

-Exercise is important, but jogging is for wimps. Plenty of exercise can be had leaping from bushes and kicking joggers in the head.

-Laughter is medicine. Ninjas practice the art of inappropriate laughter. Laughing when hearing about cancer also shows the Ninja's strength.

-Ninjas occasionally, without warning, stab friends with throwing stars. Life is random. Ninjas embrace this fact of life.

-Killing the wrong person happens. Ninjas know this. It's useless to live in the past.

-Fiber in your diet is important. Ninjas eat the shirt off a complete stranger's back at least once a week.

-Sex is extremely important to one's physical and mental health. Ninjas therefore fantasize about sex two, three, maybe seven times a day.

-Everyone knows yoga classes are filled with women. Ninjas prove their strength and impress the ladies by killing the yoga instructor.

-Samurais are the source of much stress for ninjas. They think they're soooooo cool with their armor and swords and those awesome helmets. It's in a Ninja's best interest not to think about such things.

-A strong handshake is a sign of good health and vigorous character. Ninjas therefore squeeze as tightly as possible and do not let go when shaking hands. Strong eye contact is also recommended.

-When eating the still beating heart of the enemy, Ninjas eat it all. There are starving Ninjas in Africa who don't have any hearts to eat.

-Cleanliness is next to Godliness. If Ninjas get ketchup stains on their outfit whilst eating out, they throw smoke pellets and disappear. Later, outside, they burn their outfits while screaming uncontrollably at the top of their lungs.

-Mind control is one of the Ninja's most powerful skills. Making small children give you money is not only hilarious, but quite lucrative, and therefore, healthy.

-It's good for Ninjas to treat themselves to Western pleasures occasionally. That's why there is nothing wrong with putting on a comfortable Ninja outfit, lighting some candles, and watching "Ninja Vixens: Virgin Nightmares."

-It is important for Ninjas not to be their own worst enemy. Therefore, Ninjas should be sure to practice proper dental care before wearing a face mask.

-Secrecy is of upmost importance to the Ninja's peace of mind. Not even the Ninjas' parents can know their identities. Not even if a Ninja still lives in the basement of his parents' house.

-Ninjas always ride shotgun. It's good for their sense of worth. If Ninjas are forced to sit in the back seat, remember they always carry garrotes.

Winners of International Pun Contest

The ability to make and understand PUNS is the highest level of language development . Here are the top 10 winners in the International Pun Contest (courtesy of Lawrence Chew):

1 . A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons . The Stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2 . Two fish swim into a concrete wall . The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

3 . Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft . Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too .

4 . Two hydrogen atoms meet . One says, "I've lost my electron . " The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

5 . Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication .

6 . A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories . After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse . But why?", they asked, as they moved off . "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7 . A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption . One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal . " The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him "Juan . . " Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother . Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal . Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal . "

8 . A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds . Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair . He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not . He went back and begged the friars to close . They ignored him . So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close . Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop . Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars .

9 . Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet . He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath . This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis

10 . And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh .

No pun in ten did .

One in the bag

On Thursday we had out first show of the season, and our first show on the Lecture Hall's brand new massive stage. I mean it: this thing is a frickin' beast. It's too big, really, but what are you gonna do? We ain't exactly paying to use the thing.

So after a couple of cold games, the pace really picked up. Crowd favourites included the nautically-themed Scene Three Ways (A Cousteauish Aaron used the hapless Jon as bait for Spencer's less-than-lethal giant squid) and the always brilliant CD Compilation. In fact, CD Compiliation is so exceptionally popular that we're thinking of abandoning all our other games in favour of two hours of Jon and Lawrence singing. Honestly, wouldn't you pay to see that?

This show also saw the debut of our brand new feature: Low Budget Comics. Basically, I get up on stage and ask for a bunch of suggestions to create a story. Example:

Okay, who's someone you wouldn't want to show up at your birthday party?

Michael Jackson!

Okay, great. Now, what does Michael Jackson do over the Thanksgiving long weekend?

He runs a day care.

Great. Now, who's a famous historical figure that happens to attend the day care?

Josef Stalin!

And so on and so forth. I think the end result works pretty damn well. It might not make much sense, but it works. Check it out and let us know what you think.

Creeeeeeeeeeeeeeepy....

While this is not improv-related, it's just creepy/funny enough that it should be seen:



Notice the horrer etched on the features of the balding man at 0:03: his pitiful visage wrenched with anguish at the sight of a hideously reanimated popcorn spokesman:

When they're not so smart

You know when you meet people and they're "not so smart"? I know it can be rough. They're a few french fries short of a Happy Meal. But that's so cliche! You just want to find that unique way to convey it...

Well want no longer friends. Here are a few suggestions:

A few Gospels short of a Bible
A few inches tall of a midget
A few children short of a GAP factory
A few sequins short of a drag queen
A few Japanese people short of a Godzilla movie
A few retards shy of a short bus

Please use them responsibly. And often.

L.

New to the bloggosphere

I have never blogged before. This is true... just ask my old computer that practically crashed every time I wanted to use the calculator function.

Now, as a new blogger, I can see the potential to get a little power-mad, using this space not just for improv related posts and general funniness, but to further my agenda to bring the mole people out from the core of the Earth. I promise not to do that, and other various blog-related crimes such as:
- share waaaayyy too personal details, such as the fact that I have a crush on someone from Pickle named.... oh- I almost spilled the beans!
- rant about people who probably don't even read this blog and/or know I exist. Considering most of my rants are about the activities of b-list celebrities, we're all safe
- speaking of which, did you know Sinbad is still touring his comedy bits? And did you know he isn't even half bad? I really don't know anyone else that could recover from movies where he played a robot cop...
- post angst ridden teen poetry. We all know how rejection makes Aviva's heart feel like blackness on toast that is too toasted...
and finally....
- promote my own political agenda. And since that agenda mostly includes an end to camouflage as a fashion accessory and the release of the mole people, chances are there isn't a political party that aligns with my platform.

So... look out for Aviva blogs in the near future!

Grand Finale

This blog has been almost entirely ignored over the past weeks. If that bothered you, we apologize. My excuse, personally, is that everyone I know was born in June, so things get a bit busy this time of year. Plus, we had our last show of the year.

And it was a pretty good show, if you don't mind me saying so. Everybody was on their game and the audience was really enjoying it. Good times.

Now the summer: the long, cold summer. We'll perform at various gigs over the next couple of months, so we'll keep everyone updated that wants to be updated. And hey, if you've got a few bucks lying around and are looking for someone to come and make people laugh at your next barbeque, let us know.

Wonderful, wonderful spam

Sometimes, it pays to read the things that slip through your spam filters:

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