Ninja Tips for Healthy Living

Thanks to Daniel for some Ninja Tips for Healthy Living:

-Exercise is important, but jogging is for wimps. Plenty of exercise can be had leaping from bushes and kicking joggers in the head.

-Laughter is medicine. Ninjas practice the art of inappropriate laughter. Laughing when hearing about cancer also shows the Ninja's strength.

-Ninjas occasionally, without warning, stab friends with throwing stars. Life is random. Ninjas embrace this fact of life.

-Killing the wrong person happens. Ninjas know this. It's useless to live in the past.

-Fiber in your diet is important. Ninjas eat the shirt off a complete stranger's back at least once a week.

-Sex is extremely important to one's physical and mental health. Ninjas therefore fantasize about sex two, three, maybe seven times a day.

-Everyone knows yoga classes are filled with women. Ninjas prove their strength and impress the ladies by killing the yoga instructor.

-Samurais are the source of much stress for ninjas. They think they're soooooo cool with their armor and swords and those awesome helmets. It's in a Ninja's best interest not to think about such things.

-A strong handshake is a sign of good health and vigorous character. Ninjas therefore squeeze as tightly as possible and do not let go when shaking hands. Strong eye contact is also recommended.

-When eating the still beating heart of the enemy, Ninjas eat it all. There are starving Ninjas in Africa who don't have any hearts to eat.

-Cleanliness is next to Godliness. If Ninjas get ketchup stains on their outfit whilst eating out, they throw smoke pellets and disappear. Later, outside, they burn their outfits while screaming uncontrollably at the top of their lungs.

-Mind control is one of the Ninja's most powerful skills. Making small children give you money is not only hilarious, but quite lucrative, and therefore, healthy.

-It's good for Ninjas to treat themselves to Western pleasures occasionally. That's why there is nothing wrong with putting on a comfortable Ninja outfit, lighting some candles, and watching "Ninja Vixens: Virgin Nightmares."

-It is important for Ninjas not to be their own worst enemy. Therefore, Ninjas should be sure to practice proper dental care before wearing a face mask.

-Secrecy is of upmost importance to the Ninja's peace of mind. Not even the Ninjas' parents can know their identities. Not even if a Ninja still lives in the basement of his parents' house.

-Ninjas always ride shotgun. It's good for their sense of worth. If Ninjas are forced to sit in the back seat, remember they always carry garrotes.

Winners of International Pun Contest

The ability to make and understand PUNS is the highest level of language development . Here are the top 10 winners in the International Pun Contest (courtesy of Lawrence Chew):

1 . A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons . The Stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2 . Two fish swim into a concrete wall . The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

3 . Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft . Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too .

4 . Two hydrogen atoms meet . One says, "I've lost my electron . " The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

5 . Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication .

6 . A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories . After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse . But why?", they asked, as they moved off . "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7 . A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption . One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal . " The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him "Juan . . " Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother . Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal . Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal . "

8 . A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds . Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair . He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not . He went back and begged the friars to close . They ignored him . So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close . Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop . Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars .

9 . Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet . He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath . This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis

10 . And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh .

No pun in ten did .